For all my childhood I was lucky to have a completely normal body weight, never worried about what I ate, and I ate a lot too, of especially sweets and junk. I never really thought anything at all about my weight until I turned 15. That's when it all changed.. But somehow I guess you can say it even started before, just not in the "weight way". I never felt good enough in school and struggled very much to fit in. And this I strongly believe as well, could have lead to me falling into the terrible world of eating disorders; and the fact that I had a hard time accepting myself.

I was completely worn out the last year in high school and watching all these especially American TV shows with all this focus on the body and looking perfect, can especially mention Baywatch and 90210, didn't make it better at all. It was then I suddenly started to barely eat and work out hard as well. I had never been into any type of sport through my childhood, but was lucky to have a body that still looked sporty. I was probably around 57 kg when it started, which is a perfect weight for a person with the height of 170 cm. I could even have weighed more and it wouldn't have been a problem! The lowest I went to was 47 kg, which isn't maybe for many considered that bad even, but I was completely out of energy feeling like I was gonna fade away any time.

That's when I believe my body said stop, and I started to over eat.

Also going days without eating after having ate so much my belly was about to blow up, feeling like I was at least 5 months pregnant! I was never able to throw up, never tried either in fact. But I believe the over eating in itself is just as bad. I came to a point when I was so desperate I signed myself into a "mental institution". I was only there for a bit over a week, it was too many extremely scary patients there for me that had nothing to do with eating disorder. So I struggled on at home with my parents. And I was very good at telling them I was gonna kill myself, even though I never really was suicidal. Many times I was dreaming myself back to when I was anorexic and how much better that would be.... But that just made it worse and kept me eating even more and more !!

After 4 years of pure hell I figured moving away would help me, and it might have done to a certain point, but I still wasn't recovered. I believe having suffered from an eating disorder you will never really get rid of it completely, there will always be things left, but the answer is to try to live with it and accept yourself and all that has happened to you. This will make you stronger!

I am still today seeing a therapist every once in a while. And a couple of years back I even got diagnosed with a personality disorder. I believe this is due to my eating disorder and struggling early in school as well. There's way too much focus on being successful in this life, when all that really matters is that you do something you love no matter what it is. We need a lot more respect in this world.

Weighing over 60 kg in the modeling business today, no matter how tall you are actually, is considered very difficult!! This is something that truly gets to me a lot!! Because I was always told I was too big, which in fact I personally think is ridiculous. What impression do we really get of this business if all they ever think of is the number on the scale !! Nobody is perfect and that is what makes everything so much more interesting and fascinating!! But the modeling world just doesn't seem to want to understand this. I will never stop fighting for the fact that no matter what size you are you can model !! Not only if you're a size 0 or a plus size model. I never seemed to fit in anywhere.

But the camera said something very different than any modeling agencies or agents can ever say, it showed that it really did love me. So that is especially why I decided to never give up. And my biggest wish is to see NORMAL models, every day girls model. It will definitely make a huge change in this world for every one out there suffering, I believe this with all my heart. It's just a matter of time to get the message out to all these big fashion houses and magazines and show them that beauty is actually your inner strength and goodness shining through!! And has nothing to do with your weight or your height at all !! Taking care of oneself is completely different than forcing oneself on some super strict diet just because some model agent said so !!

I want all young aspiring models and young girls dreaming of becoming a model to know that the first thing is believing in yourself, and everyone has something beautiful about them, every single one!! Through the years I have learned to love more curvy and normal body looking woman such as especially Marylin Monroe. And not trying to be something that I'm not looking at all the "skeletons" even allowed to model..! I want woman of all ages to feel comfortable about themselves, and the model industry is definitely not making it any easier. So to start out with normal looking girls will be the first step in right direction very clearly in my opinion. It's my message to the modeling industry to finally start understanding.

They will save a lot of lives and illusions this way!

Brigitte Martin