Despite the fact that my mother is a model and my aunt a performer, beauty queen, dancer and singer. I became a model quite by accident, cutting through a building on Ohio State University campus and signed up for a model call. The next day I got a call from Glamour magazine - poof !!! So imagine my surprise the first time I sat down in a modelling agency and was told, they already had enough black girls, not because I wasn't beautiful, but black. I went home and instead of believing something was wrong with them, I cried over what was wrong with me. Offices telling me to my face "Black woman are too strong for our clothes" or "Blacks don't sell". On a runway show the hairdresser could not do my hair, so they cut it into strange shapes and pieces and pulled and yanked on it until I cried. That night I went home and laid down sobbing out of pain, out of frustration. I readied myself for the agency every time with a notion that it wouldn't be there, but there were the stares, the whispers and the outright favoritism. Sometimes its downright rudeness, other times its the stares around pictures on the walls of mostly curve less Eastern European models. I starved and purged, weaving myself into as close as I could be to the image of the European models but all the weave in the world wouldn't make me a different color, a more "beautiful" one. At times I hated myself, and other times I hated them for there ignorance. Either way I had lost myself. It wasn't until my fiancée, a person outside my race reminded me of how beautiful my curly hair, caramel skin, and Asian eyes really were, and that I was a working model even when they said whatever they wanted to say. That not only was I a good model, but I was a smart strong woman who graduated from pictures to feature films. I had lost who I really was in the rush to be someone else.
I realized that if you sit around and wait for someone or something to change, you will wait a very long time. Change can only be within: know that your beautiful the way you are, and the color you are; but don't sit and wait. If you don't see yourself on Vogue why don't you make your own. Your pride cannot be based on what someone else thinks of you. What makes a real model, is not a rail thin body of a 14 year old. It is the ability to not only endure but to smile through it. There are people in the industry that have only the short sightedness of archaic dinosaurs clinging to the past, to stereotypes, and sometimes just plain trying to live vicariously through thin and beautiful Eastern Europeans teenagers. They even begin to see the semblance of themselves in the strong frames and minds of the many shades of gorgeous woman of color and different sizes, all to validate their own fear and frustrations. I would love to say that as I try to work my way up as a model, that there is no staring, no whispers, no unequipped hairdressers, no clueless makeup artist or shrivelled up magazine editor with the short sighted notion that the only dollar is the white dollar to her consumers to or money hungry agency's. I want to personally thank each and every of them for their bigotry, and hatred, you made me a force to be reckon with, brighten my passion, me smarter, made me much wiser.
Thanks for making me a model. |